The Epidemic of Self Worth

Self-esteem, that is, the tendency to like oneself and find confidence in ones own traits and abilities, is enjoyed far too rarely among women and girls in the United States. This lack of self-esteem is an epidemic problem. It often pains me to consider the consequences that have been suffered as a result of this social problem.

Most men, and many women, don’t recognize this problem, and worst of all, many who do recognize it fail to see it as a problem at all. But in my view this plague of self-loathing has profoundly and negatively affected some of my favorite things in life, things we all value. Sex, the arts, politics, philosophy, comedy, science and technology have all been crippled by a lack of self-confident women as participants. Did I mention sex? I mention it specifically not only because it is so important to me, but because it may also be a major factor in this whole equation. I suspect that sex with fully self-actualized, confident woman might be the best sex any man ever had. Sadly, many of us will never know. We are too stupid to find out because we actually think the opposite is true. More on that in a minute.

Girls don’t like themselves.

This is the first problem in the self-esteem equation. The second problem is that girls lack confidence. But the whole problem really begins with little girls not liking themselves. Somehow, and the reasons for this are very much open to speculation, our little girls grow up learning that there is something inherently wrong with them. They learn from their fathers, or from their mothers, or from television, or magazines, or any number of other sources, that being a girl is not as interesting or important as being a boy. Little girls seem to learn this whether it is taught to them specifically or not. They seem to learn and believe this regardless of race, ethnicity, or income level. This notion is so pervasive in our culture that girls seem to learn that they are somehow inferior, or less valued than their brothers, or boyfriends, even when measures are taken to avoid exposing them to the idea, or when they are specifically taught otherwise. Any problem that is more pervasive and persuasive than the influence of ones parents should be considered a serious problem indeed.

I fear that it has become cliché, among people who know me, for me to take a cheap shot at Christianity now and then. But a whole bunch of my readers are, right now, probably thinking the same thing I am. So, given the importance of this topic, I hope that no one will consider my next statement to be a cheap shot of any kind. Some of my best friends are Christians. But, this paragraph can not pass without mention of the fact that, according to the Bible, the Old Testament in particular, there is something inherently wrong with women (lets call it say, “original sin”) and women are inferior to men. I am not blaming anyone, I am just mentioning it. My readers can draw their own conclusions about whether the Bible is to blame for our problems, or whether it is just another victim of the same prejudice that pre-dates religion itself.

Now for all of you apologists out there, save it. I am fully aware that because we are talking about the Old Testament, the same ideas are perpetuated, perhaps even to a greater degree by the Koran and the Torah. But for my money the Old Testament, particularly the protestant flavor of the Old Testament has had much more influence on American culture. Besides, I like Muslims and Jews better than I like Christians. We all have our prejudices. I like Christians better than I like Eskimos. Don’t get me started on those people.

Anyway, little girls hate themselves. It is tragic, because what happens next affects us all. Little girls grow into young women who lack confidence in their own ability to contribute to the world around them. Young women who lack confidence become people-pleasers. People-pleasing young women become victims, feeding the appetites of the worst elements of humanity, and robbing us all of significant intellectual capitol.

Social evolution has been hampered by women’s lack of accomplishment.

Oh that is a broad and controversial statement. But it is true. Were women not intellectually and emotionally shackled by their self-esteem problems (and the man always working to keep them down), they would have solved many of our cultures worst problems. Were contributions to art, academia, scientific research and social engineering balanced among the genders, we would be much further ahead as a people. It is like we have only had half a brain working on our worst problems. Oh we have accomplished great things (Blues, TIVO, the Clapper), but I am convinced that we could have accomplished so much more if we had all-along had the full compliment of our potential feminine brilliance. If it weren’t for blind faith in the Bible, we might have a cure for cancer. Okay, that was a cheap shot. (Editors note: Mike sincerely apologizes to all his Christian readers. To make it right, he will never again make the same statement until he writes something about stem-cell research.)

Why men like it

I had a friend once, who was a highly educated professional, though not particularly brilliant. Like me, he also wasn’t particularly good-looking. Also like me, he was kind-of a dick. The thing about him was, he had a really beautiful wife, who might also have been kind-of brilliant, though no human being ever had a chance to find out. She had a ridiculous lack of confidence and self-esteem. People who knew this pair always wondered how this guy scored this woman. They even had kids together. I always suspected that the reason had everything to do with her lack of self-esteem. I suspected this not only because it was painfully obvious to everyone around them (I am smart like that), but because in a private conversation once (which I will now share with all of you) he told me that he always really liked girls with low self-esteem. Ewww is right.

Men like women with low self-esteem because they can be controlled fairly easily. Let’s face it, most of us like to be in control all the time. Controlling other people can sometimes make our lives better, or easier than they might otherwise be. Our culture has some experience with this concept. We will refer to that as Slavery. But back to the more immediate topic, the problem with controlling people is that when we control someone we don’t really respect them. And when we control someone whom we do not respect we will victimize them. I am just calling it as I see it.

We all know that there is a whole class of men out there who make victimization their primary business. These are the people to whom I referred earlier as the worst elements of humanity (Mike, page 2). These people happen to also cause and perpetuate so many of the other pesky social problems that we face. We are unfortunately supporting their activities by continuing to supply fresh crops of self-loathing young women. We must find a way to stop it.

I try to keep my own daughters neck-high in self-esteem. I so badly want my little girls to avoid all of these common pitfalls. One thing that I suspect will make a difference is their relationship with me. I have not done any formal research on the subject, but I strongly suspect that there is truth in one of my postulations formulated from colloquial evidence. Women who have strong, healthy relationships with their fathers, and who feel valued by their fathers in a purely platonic way are more likely to enjoy high levels of self-esteem and self-confidence. I suspect that the reason for this is that girls who are close to their fathers in this way learn that they deserve to be loved by a man in a purely non-sexual way, just for being who they are. They also have the ability to practice flirting without risk from predators. My daughters have all my love, respect, and protection for as long as they need it. I hope very much that they continue to recognize their worth, and demand from potential partners the same kind of love and respect they get from me unconditionally. All you can do is give them tools and hope they use them properly.

The truth is our daughters and sisters are not living the lives they could be living. It might be too late for our mothers. Some of them may have become part of the problem. But we need to all work together to give this some thought, and perhaps find a solution. Despite feminism, religion, and increased recognition in math classes, our girls are still learning to hate themselves. Their self-hatred is leading to an epidemic lack of self-confidence. As a consequence, we will continue to suffer from too few feminine contributions to our cultural treasure-chest, and our girls will continue to be victimized in situations that should be completely preventable.