I write dumb essays, poems, and stories. I post them here.

Thursday

Carson City



Tahoe

South Lake Tahoe looks ridiculous when you approach it via Highway 50 from either direction. It sits in a basin at the top of a very large mountain. It is a very large natural lake. Everyone knows that it is nowhere near the size of a great lake, or even the Great Salt Lake a few hundred miles to the east, but when you are right there near the lake it really feels like an inland ocean. It is impossibly blue and impossibly deep. Scientists estimate that if Lake Tahoe were somehow drained, say to water crops in the fertile valleys down either side of the Sierra Nevada range, it would take more than seven hundred years for the lake to refill naturally. Lake Tahoe is easily the most beautiful lake I have ever seen.

I was approaching Tahoe from the west, the cliff side. Highway 50 leaves Sacramento as a freeway, passes through outlying bedroom communities, past historic Folsom and the posh El Dorado Hills and into the old mining town of Placerville. There’s a stoplight there and once you pass it the highway winds as a two lane road up, up, and up the Sierra Nevadas. In March the snowline could be anywhere. Eventually you climb past that magical elevation and the forest becomes a frozen wonderland. In this year of drought the snowline was particularly high. It was warm and even the deepest of snows were melting, first out of trees, then off deep-mulched soils, but clinging still to rocks and anything in the shade. By the time I reached the edge of the cliff where the highway begins a sharp zigzag down into the Tahoe basin the sun was high and the view was breathtaking. It always is.

There was no snow in the basin this March save for a few traces hidden in shadows behind the dumpsters of the restaurants, hotels, and casinos which line the highway in the not-so-twin towns of South Lake Tahoe, California and Stateline, Nevada, which occupy the flat land on the south side of the enormous lake. The California side looks like any mountain lake resort town in America might look, log buildings with dark green roofs, easy parking and breathtaking views from any perspective. The Nevada side looks like Las Vegas, but with far better views. Every time I drive through there I wonder why anyone ever goes to Las Vegas, when they could be at Lake Tahoe instead. I suppose it is easier to justify staying inside all day and night when you know there is nothing worth looking at outside.

Twelve hours earlier I had been in Midtown Sacramento, as usual, sitting on the porch at Carlyle’s, as usual, drinking beers with a couple of my closest friends, as usual.

“Why are you going to Carson?” Mack asked me.

“It has to be done. For one thing my sister needs me. She is all alone up there with her one-eyed dog and she doesn’t like to go out by herself. She needs someone to show her a good time. She still isn’t over that terrible breakup she had last year and she needs to see that the world is full of good people and fun times.”

“Yes I recall hearing all about that breakup last time she was here.”

“And for another thing, I need to get out of town. I just need a change of scenery but also I need to start setting a precedent with my kids, so they know I am not always available to fetch them what they want and drive them where they want to go, particularly when it is supposed to be their weekend with their mother. They can hassle me next weekend.”

Mack says “Dad of the year over here” as we clink our half-empty pints together.

“Word.”


Mexican Gulch

When I arrived at Jaime’s place she and Mike were just getting ready to leave for their regular Saturday walk. They had been waiting for me to arrive. She knows I like to walk. The three of us climbed into her new truck, a stark-white four-wheel drive model with big tires which, when viewed directly from the front, looks remarkably similar to one of Lucas’ storm troopers. Driving a truck like that is a good way to fit in when you live in a place like Carson City.

“How are you not a lesbian?” I asked as we approached the truck from the front, it was backed into a parking space. It looked to me like it was showing off just sitting there.

“Shut-up asshole.” She laughed as she punched me on the arm.

Mike climbed into a little basket strapped about midway up the back of the rear passenger side seat. That’s the side on which he also has his eye. I suppose his basket might be on the driver’s side if his eye was on that side of his head. Mike is small but he still likes to look out the window, and apparently he prefers to be comfortable while he does.

“I’m so glad you are here” Jaime said to me as we drove through town. “I don’t get many visitors. I have so many things I want to show you. I mean things out here I think are cool, stuff I like to do, and I think you will like them also. I really have been having a lot of fun trying new things since last time you were here. Mike and I have a lot of time on our hands.”

We pulled up a gravel road and parked near what looked like a small house and stables. It was some kind of working museum. We dismounted from the truck.

“This is all BLM land around here, this whole end of the valley, and all of it is open to the public. Mike and I like to walk up to the dam over here. Over there by the house you can sometimes see owls in the trees. Wait it looks like there might be one up there now.”

We looked way up at the tops of the trees and instinctively began walking toward them, owl hunting. Mike suddenly stopped to drop a load on the gravel.

“Really Mike? Here?”

We paused and waited for him.

“We will pick that up on our way back out.” Jaime said, to Mike, not to me. We never picked it up.

We walked a small arc from the truck around near the house and stared up at the tops of the trees which someone no doubt carefully and lovingly planted in the front yard of the farmhouse a long time ago. There were no other trees like these around. The high Nevada desert does not produce a lot of trees, and the trees it does sustain naturally do not grow this tall. These cottonwoods were probably a hundred feet tall. Their roots had found the well.

“Do you see it? Up there in the center near the top, it looks like a little clump of dead mistletoe, like a disease.”

I saw it. There was definitely an owl up there. It was a gray one, with a white beard and brows.

“It seems like it should be all white this time of year. It’s rare to see an owl during the day. I always come here hoping to see one. I think it is good luck. I always feel like if I see an owl out here I am going to have a good week.”

I didn’t mention that in almost every world culture that has known them, owls have been interpreted as a foreboding omen of some kind. I didn’t see the point. Jaime’s owl was good luck.

We walked away down a gravel path that turned to a dirt road. The road followed an irrigation ditch. A couple miles down there was a pedestal holding a plaque. The plaque held a story. It was an historical marker describing historic Mexican Gulch.

“This is all historic out here. These gulches and dams were designed and built by the miners in the 1800s. They irrigated this whole valley so they could grow crops.”

“Yes I think I have read all about it. Mark Twain spent a significant amount of time in this area. He had mining interests all through here when he was a young man. He was the editor of the paper in Virginia City. He wrote volumes about his adventures around here. I just finished reading the first half of his autobiography.”

“Oh yeah I was going to tell you that when Mike and I were out walking in town the other day we passed an old house that had a sign on it saying Mark Twain lived here.”

“I believe it. He wrote about renting a number of different rooms. He was the kind of guy who liked to move around a lot anyway. Sort of like us, like the way Mom and Dad always wanted to move someplace new every few years, and they raised us to feel that urge.”

“Do you really think this place is cool or are you just fucking with me?”

“No I really do think it is cool. I like to walk. I am always interested in history, and Mexican gulches are some of my favorite types of gulches.”

“You are such a nerd. Did Mark Twain really write volumes about this area?”

“One of my favorite of his novels chronicles his adventures here in Carson City, Virginia City, trips to Sacramento and Tahoe. He even has a chapter about passing through Salt Lake City on his way out here in the 1860s which is really hilarious. His brother was secretary of the Nevada Territory appointed by President Lincoln. Twain came west with him just for the fuck of it. He lived here several years.”

“Is it a true story? You called it a novel.”

“Well I guess like anything Twain wrote it is largely autobiographical. But there are definitely elements of fiction. My favorite passage is one where he describes watching a buffalo climb a tree. He swears it happened but that’s what I love so much about Twain. Clearly that part is fiction. The book is called Roughing It and it has been in and out of print over the years, I think because it is insanely racist against American Indians, but there are copies around.”

“A buffalo climbing a tree?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty funny.”

My phone rang. Caller ID suggested it was my teenage son Langston. It wasn’t.

“Hello? You need what? I can’t do it. No I can’t do it. I am not in town. I am not even in the state. Tomorrow afternoon. That’s the best I can do. Whatever.”

Mike, Jaime and I walked on.

“Is everything ok? Does Langston need you?”

“That wasn’t Langston. That was a ruse intended to get me to answer my phone. But everything is fine. 
People just seem to have a problem with me not being around, even for a little while.”

“Oh. Man that sucks that you have to deal with that all the time. Still I am glad that you are here. So is Mike.”

Mike didn’t give a shit.

“So Mom and Dad are still talking about moving.”

“I know” I laughed “I don’t think they are just thinking about it, though that’s what they keep saying. They have decided. They are just trying to bring the rest of us along.”

“They are cleaning stuff out of the house to get ready for moving. Mom says she wants to have a kids’ day for us to all come over and get our stuff. Apparently we all still have a bunch of stuff at their house. I think you are right, they have definitely decided. They even went to church in the new place, to see what it is like.”

“When Mom and Dad go to church in a new place it means they are moving there.”

“I wish they would move here. They could buy such a nice house, and I could drive them to all their appointments. And they love Mike. But Mom doesn’t like it here. She says it’s not green enough.”

“Yeah I think that’s why they want to move south to the Delta. It’s a lower cost of living and still green. Though it won’t help Mom’s fear of flood. Dad tells me he is pretty sure they can sell the big house for enough money to pay cash for a smaller place down there. That’s what he is worried about now that he is retired. He still has five years left on the mortgage. “

“It’s crazy to move away from your children when you are their age.”

“That’s a really good point.”

“I wish they would come here. They could buy a really nice house here for cash and still have plenty of money in the bank.”

“That’s true. And it isn’t so far away that the rest of us wouldn’t see them nearly as much as we do now. I know my kids would love an excuse to drive over the mountains to see Grandma and Grandpa. I think all the grandkids would.”

“Right?”

“But then again, I don’t know how many chances in life parents ever get to move away from their kids. I can’t say for sure I wouldn’t do the same thing if I had the opportunity.”

“You are such a nerd.”

We finished walking to the dam. Then we walked back to her truck. 


The Archer in the Hills 

“We need to go find my friend George. He loaned me some trail maps and I need to get them back to him. He is a really cool guy. He took me out bow shooting a couple weeks ago. He’s Indian and I don’t know what it is, but he is very mellow. He has what I think is this very Indian way about him.”

“Right on. Where do we find him?”

“I know he is up in these hills over here somewhere shooting today. So we will just go off-road for a while and find him. I think I know where he will be. I love driving around up here. There’s hardly anyone else around.”

We left the paved road for a gravel one. Soon the gravel gave way to soft, clean, beige dirt. It looked like it had been recently placed to cover the erosion of the winter just barely past. We stopped and shifted the truck into four-wheel-drive. We continued.

“It was so good for me to get out shooting with him. I really needed to get out with new people and try new things and he convinced me. I think you will like him. He works in Indian affairs. He meets with all the local tribes and bands. He knows all the history of all the native peoples in this area. He showed me all around and explained everything and told me all these great stories, some really sad stories. Do you know a lot about the history of Native Americans?”

“I took a couple courses in college, one on Native American History, and one on Native Californian History. And I have watched a lot of documentaries. I know more about California Indians than I do about others.”

“It’s really sad. Anyway I told him I wanted to explore all these hills around here in my truck and he has all these maps of trails and different historic sites and things around here. It was really cool of him to lend them to me. I have had them for a while. I need to return them today.”

“Ok. I am up for whatever. I don’t have any particular agenda today. I am interested though at some point going to get some food and some beers.”

“Do you want to go back to the place we went last time?”

“No let’s try something new while I am out here. I am sure there are other places in town with good beer. And I can more or less always find something to eat.”

“Oh we can go to that Eastern Sierra place. That’s right downtown.”

“Sounds good.”

We crawled and bumped along over the soft dirt, some large boulders, up hills and down, looking for an Indian named George. We found him.

“There he is. Oh good. Don’t you think it is funny that I can just go four-wheeling through the hills to find a friend of mine? I think that’s funny.”

“It is definitely something new for me. I have never driven around off-road in the hills of the desert to find a friend.”

We pulled in front of a red pickup. It was a full-size longbed model. Jaime let Mike out. She walked to where George was standing with his bow in hand, hay-bale targets set up slightly downhill in the distance behind him. He had watched us approach.

“Hey there!” He said to Jaime. He did not seem surprised to see her. He petted Mike, who was already at his feet.

“How’s the shooting going?” She asked him. He told her. Apparently it was not as well as he had hoped.

“This is my brother. He is out visiting from Sacramento.”

He shook my hand. “Good to know you. Getting away for the weekend?”

“You could say that. It’s always fun to come to Carson and hang out with my big sister.”

“I have your maps. We came to return them. Thanks again for loaning them to me.”

He dropped the maps on the open tailgate of his truck, among bags of gear, some loose arrows, binoculars, a thermos and a coffee cup. He was drinking the coffee. We made some more small talk. They talked about work. He asked me about my job. I told him about it. After just a few minutes we were on our way again, over the hills and far away. The maps had been safely delivered.

“He seems like a nice guy. Has he invited you out to church yet?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“If he hasn’t I think he will soon.”

“I don’t think he’s religious. But I don’t know actually. When he first wanted to take me out shooting I freaked out a little. I mean he is married, he is higher up than me at work, he knows about my break-up, and he was taking me essentially out to the wilderness.”

“Those all seem like reasonable concerns.”

“But he is very nice. After a while I realized that it was nothing like that. He just wants to be my friend.”

“That’s how they get you. They find the vulnerable people dealing with tragedy and heartache and they offer them a sense of purpose and something greater. I think the mannerisms you read as being Indian are really just conservative Christian mannerisms. That’s how he immediately came across to me. Everything about him screams conservative Christian, probably evangelical.”

“I guess I do know he goes to church regularly. But I really don’t think that’s it. I think we have similar interests and he wants to be my friend. That’s all.”

“Maybe he wants to bang you but he is still working up to it.”

“No. He is happily married. I do know that much.”

“It’s cute that you think that makes a difference.”

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t. I am pretty sure his motivations are either to bang you or to bring you into the fold. In fact you should be more suspicious if you find out they are anything else. Those two things would be normal.”

“You are nuts.”

“Yeah. And maybe I am wrong also.”

“I think you are.”

We made it back to paved roads.

“I just want to grab a quick shower before we go to the restaurant. I don’t go out very often and this is a small town. I want to look at least a little presentable.”

“Ok. I don’t suffer from that same affliction.”

The outlying casinos and strip-malls began to appear to the left and right of us. We were back in town.

“Did you know Mom and Dad think the Earth is made from pieces of other planets? Mom was telling me this recently. They think Jesus just picked up chunks from older dead planets and put them together to create this one, and that’s where all the fossils of dinosaurs and things come from. They are the remains of creatures who lived on other planets before they were mashed together to make Earth.”

I laughed. “I did know that. I think I first heard it when I was about twelve, and since then it has been my favorite story to tell my friends about our parents. I love it because it is so absolutely crazy…”

We finished the sentence at the same time, both of us laughing “but still so absolutely true!”

“They really believe that Dinosaurs never existed on this planet.”

“It’s like how Mom thinks playing cards have evil spirits in them, and that’s why we never had them in the house growing up, not because of the implied reference to gambling, which is a sin, but because she literally believes there are evil spirits in the cards. My kids love to tease Grandma about that one.”

“She swears now she never said that. But I remember it too.”

“Well, they have learned a lot from us over the years.”

When we arrived back at Jaime’s place, she went to shower, and I decided to just relax in silence. It had already been a long day for me. I sunk into one of the familiar gold chairs that had been in our formal living room growing up. It felt like home. Mike climbed onto my lap. As soon as I closed my eyes my phone began working obscenely to get my attention. My kids were texting. I finally finished responding to the last one when I saw Jaime again.

“Everything ok? Do you need to go or something?” She asked, having seen me texting furiously and fully understanding my situation.

“It’s fine. My kids are nags. I didn’t exactly tell them where I was going, just that I was in Nevada. They assumed I was in Vegas, and they must be having quite a conversation about it amongst themselves because they were texting me to ask how I can afford to go to Vegas when I can’t afford other things they want.”

“Jesus Christ. Are you serious?”

“Dead serious. That’s what I am up against with all these teenagers.”

“Could you imagine ever saying something like that to Mom and Dad when we were their age? I never would have!”

“I might have, but I would have been an asshole for doing it.”

“Isn’t it funny how we grew up in the same family but when we talk about it now we seem to have had completely different parents from each other?”

“I finally just told them I was in Carson visiting my sister and they need to back off. They did. Langston says to say hi to you for him.”

“That’s cute.”

“Yeah I guess they are still a little cute. Hopefully they will leave me alone now. I told them the same thing I told their mom. I will be back tomorrow afternoon and I will entertain requests then.”


Eastern Sierra Brewing Company

“I know it is walking distance from here but we need to drive to the bar. I did my hair and put makeup on and I don’t want to look like a mess by the time we get there.”

“Fine with me.”

We parked her truck about a block away. She handed me the keys. As we approached we could hear loud music and see people coming in and out of what turned out to be a side door through which one enters directly onto the dance floor in front of the stage. We worked our way to the bar. The place was about half full of families and singles, a real nice mix. The band was covering Styx, it was Too Much Time on My Hands, one of my favorites. We found two empty stools in the ideal location at the bar. I looked first at the tap handles and when I found them indecipherable I turned to the chalk board listing the beers brewed on site. Jaime just looked around the bar sizing up the room. I could see that they were understaffed so I joined her.

The regulars appeared to be hovered around the center of the bar, that’s where the regulars usually are. They were an odd mix of aging men, mostly bikers with head bandanas and leather vests, children, and a number of similar looking women of widely varying ages. Most of them were a type, the brand of well-worn, working-class White women who like to have a good time, often referred to as “skanks” but whom my friends and I describe as “just used enough to be a keeper.”

On the dance floor were a number of additional women also fitting the description above, a couple of older men mixed among them, two children, and three or four gentlemen with Down syndrome dancing in a circle. Everyone loves classic rock.  

Behind the bar was the largest leprechaun I have ever seen. He was a grown man, almost six feet tall, with bright red hair and a matching bushy beard. He was dressed head to toe in an elaborate green outfit complete with red and white striped stockings, a hat with a buckle, and pointy shoes with the tips curled up. He was clearly having a better time than the rest of us.

“What can I get you folks?”

“Is it really St. Patrick’s Day?” I asked him.

“Monday, but we are celebrating here all weekend.”

Jaime ordered their raspberry beer and I had their IPA. She loved hers. Mine was just ok.

“This is the place Jaime. This is immediately the coolest place I have been in Carson. This is where you should be hanging out and meeting new people.”

“You think? Yeah I like it here. And this beer is so good. I normally don’t like beer.”

“Definitely”

“I think I know some of these guys over here, the bikers. I am sure I know those two over there. I am going to wait for them to recognize me. I think they will.”

“So many skanks here. I love skanks.”

“You are such a nerd.”

“I might just see if I can bring one home with us.”

“You do that. I don’t care. You are driving. I am getting drunk. Just promise me you will make sure I get home.”

“I got you.”

“I am serious. You have to promise me.”

“It’s fine. I will drink slow enough to stay sober. I promise I will make sure you get home tonight.”

Her attention was already somewhere else.

“Oh that girl over there with the tattoos, she is a waitress at the Bread Box. I think that one is also.”

Just then those two young women walked up to each other and kissed. It was not a friendly kiss. It was a passionate kiss. It went on and on. These two hot women were making out in the middle of the bar. Everyone was watching. No one was complaining.

“Oh this is fun!” Jaime swung around to tell me. “I rarely see anything like that in Carson.”

I couldn’t possibly have agreed more. Jaime took my phone, she texted my kid. 

-          Hi Langston this is your aunt Jaime. How are you?    
-          Hi. I am good.
-          That’s good. Thanks for sharing your dad with me. I really needed a friend.


Harley

As the evening wore on more and more people filed in off the streets and the place began to fill. As the band began its second set I noticed that each of the gentlemen with Down syndrome had a sexy new partner. There are good people in Carson. A couple guys joined us at the far end of the bar, and then a woman who had been on the dance floor since we arrived took the seat between me and them.

She was a nice looking woman, about forty, slender, obviously a dancer. She seemed to be there by herself and she was not wearing a ring. The guys on her right wasted no time in striking up a conversation with her. I couldn’t hear what they were saying. The band was covering Wild Cherry. Jaime had been recognized by her bikers. She was busy with them. I could feel my buzz turning to a drunk. I remembered my promise and ordered water with my last beer.

The two guys to my right quickly turned into one guy. More specifically I now had a couple to my right. They were sitting and speaking closely enough that personal space was no longer a consideration. That’s how it works in bars as the night goes on. He was drunk. Somehow I don’t think she was.

The dance floor was crowded again. The guys were back at it. The skanks continued to entertain them. Good for them, I thought. By the time I glanced left again the male member of the couple was gone, not even an empty glass remained where he was. The woman and I were now alone at our end of the bar. It wouldn’t last long.

“Did that guy just miss an opportunity?” I asked her.

She smiled. “I don’t think so. He was pretty wasted.”

“As a people watcher, I would have predicted you two leaving together.”

“Nah he isn’t really my type. I like big buff guys. I work for the forest service and spend a lot of time with loggers and firefighters.”

“That’s interesting. You are into lumberjacks. Is it a flannel shirt thing or a beard thing?”

“It’s a rough sex thing. But beards are nice.”

I stroked my beard. “Everyone likes rough sex.”

“Yes, but I can get it any time I want. That’s what I Iove about being divorced.”

“Hell yes you can. I am divorced also. We should drink to that.”

We clinked our pints. The giant leprechaun appeared with a tiny green drink. He set it down in front of her.

“The gentleman at the end of the bar asked me to send this your way.”

“Is that a midori sour?” She asked him. “And which guy bought it?”

“Yes it is. And it was that guy down at the other corner, with the black shirt and the Nascar hat.”

I was too deep to resist leaning forward to peer past Jaime and the bikers in time to see the guy nod and tip his hat. He had another midori sour in his other hand. The leprechaun was gone again.

“Shit now I am going to be wasted. I better order some food.” She was clearly a sensible woman.

 “I love this band” she continued. “I came here tonight just to see them.”

“Do you know them?”

“No. I am not from around here.”

“Neither am I. I am from Sacramento. I am here visiting my sister.”

“I live in Petaluma.”

“You drove to Carson City from Petaluma just to see this band?”

“Rode, and yes. I saw them here once before and I really liked them. I like this place. I checked their website and saw that my favorite band was playing tonight and decided to come see them. I am trying to get out and do new things as often as possible.”

“Word.”

“I am Harley, by the way.” She held out her hand. I took it.

“Nice to meet you Harley.”

Suddenly the guy with the Nascar hat was sitting on Harley’s other side. She turned toward him and shook his hand, began the obligatory small talk. Jaime was also back.

“I think I might be a little drunk. What’s going on over here?”

“This is my new friend Harley. And this is some guy who bought her a drink.”

They both looked over. Introductions were made all around. The conversation continued as a group for a while. Eventually Jaime became interested in something Nascar was saying and she moved to his left. We were slowly creeping further down the bar. Harley and I were left to continue our conversation.

“They seem to be hitting it off.” I offered.

“That’s fine with me. He’s not my type anyway.”

“Right you like lumberjacks.”

“I think most men are intimidated by me. I see it a lot. I know what I want. I know what I don’t want. And more importantly, I know what I like.”

“Yes men are often intimidated by strong women. They see them as a threat to their imagined authority. So what do you like, besides rough sex with lumberjacks?”

“I like a lot of things. But I really like sex. I only just learned how much. I feel like I have really missed out for many years.”

We continued this line of conversation for some time. Then Jaime and Nascar were gone. I looked around. Harley noticed and without a word she pointed to the front door, they were standing outside, just beyond the glass.

“Should we check on them?” She asked. “I think your sister is a little drunk.”

“I know she is a little drunk. But I think they are fine as long as we can see them. Her purse is here at my feet. She won’t leave without it. And I have her keys.”

“As long as we can see them” she repeated.

“That’s the thing about marriage.” I offered, returning to our previous topic. “The sexual desert I mean. I get it. You also strike me as a woman in love with a few favorite toys.”

“I don’t believe in vibrators.”

“You don’t believe in vibratos? Like you don’t believe they exist? I feel confident in assuring you that they do exist. I have seen them.”

“No silly I don’t believe in using vibrators. I think they cause women to become insensitive to a real penis.”

“I believe that most women can be a little insensitive where penises are concerned.” I smiled and laughed just a little. “But this is definitely the first time I have heard this theory.”

“Desensitized. Shit. I should stop drinking.”

“Me too.”

“We can’t see them anymore.”

I spun around. She was right. Jaime and Nascar were gone.

“I am going to go take a peek outside to see if I can spot them. Would you mind keeping an eye on her purse while I do?”

“I’ll tell you what” She picked up the purse. “I will just come with you. I will carry this so you don’t have to.“

“I appreciate that more than you know. As a divorced man I swore I would never hold anyone’s purse for them again.”

“I get it.”

We walked outside. The streets were empty, dark, and quiet. It was a stark contrast to the noisy bar. My foggy mind had some trouble processing the scene. We looked around. We walked toward the rear of the building where most people parked. 

“I don’t see them anywhere.” Harley sounded more worried than me. 

“Me neither. She couldn’t have gone far.”

“But he could have. And she could have gone with him.”

“Oh I know. I can find her on my phone. My dad convinced us all to join a family network on this location tracking app. I should be able to see where she is.”

I pulled my phone from my pocket and opened the app. As convenient as smartphones are, in a pinch, they never work as fast as you want them to. Two dots appeared on the screen, a map of Carson City in the background. Over one dot hovered a bubble with my photo. The other photo was Jaime’s. The dots were not close together. 

“It looks like she is several blocks from here, maybe a couple miles. I don’t know Carson very well. I have no idea where this is.”

“We should go find her.”

“I don’t know. She is a big girl. She would call or text if she had a problem. Maybe it’s better to leave it alone and wait here. She has to come back eventually.”

“I don’t trust that guy. I really think we need to go find her.”

“I am going to trust your instinct on creepy guys. Let’s go find her. I can drive. We can just drive toward the dot.” 

“Okay but promise me you won’t try anything in the car.”

“I promise.”

“Let me just grab my jacket.”

She walked across the street and retrieved a small leather jacket from the storage compartment on the back of a motorcycle. It was a Harley. 

We drove Jaime’s truck toward the red dot. Suddenly we were at Jaime’s place.

“This is her place. Let’s just go in and check on them. We don’t need to stay. I can drive you back to the bar, or wherever.”

“She will want her purse, and I could use a recommendation for a nice motel.”

We approached the door slowly and quietly. We were whispering.

“I don’t know which key it is. I will just try every key that looks like a house key.”

Harley stood closest to the door. “I can hear someone in there, but they aren’t talking.”

The third key did it. By the time I got the door open Mike was very happy to see me. He was also happy to meet Harley. The place was dark. Mike was alone.

“This is one-eye Mike. I don’t think anyone is here. Let me just look around.”

Harley petted Mike. Everyone likes Mike.

By the time I reached the back bedroom I could see Jaime’s phone sitting on the bed. She’d never even had it with her. I was suddenly worried.

“She left her phone here. So I now have no idea where she is. Let’s drive back to the bar so she at least knows where to find us.”

“Okay. Bye Mike. It was nice to meet you.”

We when found our way back to the bar we approached from the other side. Jaime and Nascar were standing out front. They were waiting for us. We parked on the street.

“I wondered what happened to you two.” Jaime said with a smile and more than a little suggestion that we had been up to something. “I noticed my truck was gone so we just decided to wait until you came back.”

Harley handed Jaime her purse. The three of them talked while I read some new texts from my kids.

“No it’s J-E-N-N-I-E.” This was the first thing I heard as I wandered back to the group. Jaime was trying not to give Nascar her number.

“I thought you said your name was Jamie?” Nascar was confused. 

“No I said Jennie.” She looked at Harley. Harley nodded. 

“I have always known her as Jennie” she said. 

“Wait that’s not enough numbers.”

“Let me look. She has had a lot to drink. I know her number.”

Harley took his phone and started entering numbers. Nascar looked at me. I looked at Harley. Then I looked at the sky. Just as I was noticing how clear it was, Jaime was standing next to me. 

“I like her. I think she would be such a good friend. We have similar jobs and everything.”

Nascar eventually walked off in a huff. His dignity should have sent him away fifteen minutes earlier. Now it was just me and the girls. I looked inside the bar, it was nearly empty. The night was chilly and beautiful. I was sober.

“I think I need to go home” Jaime said. “Do you still want to go gambling?”

“I don’t need to go gambling”

“Ok because I think I need to go home.” 

Jaime turned to Harley. “You should come with us back to my place! Or we could go to a casino.”

“We’ve just come from your place. I met your dog.”

“Awww my little Mike. I love my dog so much. I miss him.”

“I think I am going to go there.” Harley pointed to a cigar bar across the street. She turned and hugged Jaime. 

“It was so much fun meeting you. I will look you up next time I am in town.”

She let go. She looked my way. “And this guy…” She put both her arms around my neck and hugged me hard. “I think this is a pretty great guy.” She said it in my ear, but loud enough for Jaime to hear.

“I assure you it is a ruse. Ask anyone.” 

“My brother would never drive around with a stranger looking for me. He wouldn’t give a shit.”

“Maybe he can give me lessons.”

We watched her walk across the street.

“Do you want me to take that bitch out for you?”

“Harley? No she isn’t even my type. I never had a chance.”

“Not Harley dork. Aww I love Harley. I want her to be my new best friend. You know who I mean.”

“I don’t think that’s really necessary.”

“Okay but you know I would.”

I was a little overcome. I hugged her. I had to. It was too sweet and too pathetic all at the same time. 

“I know you would.” 


Horses and Steel

We went to the Bread Box for breakfast. We were among the first to arrive. It was just after seven.

“Mom and Dad were all excited about some new discoveries of ancient artifacts in Mexico when I was in Sacramento last month. Dad was trying to tell me all about it. He was showing me videos. He was all fired up. I didn’t really understand but it was interesting. Have you talked to them about that stuff?”

“Yes I know about that stuff. They know I am skeptical. So they temper their reactions with me.”

“What did you think about it?”

“Well it is interesting. I watched a number of videos about it and read a couple other articles on my own. What has happened is the ruins of an ancient city were discovered recently in Southern Mexico. This is not a big deal by itself. Ancient cities are always being discovered in Mesoamerica. Scholars and Archaeologists expect there are still hundreds of undiscovered cities down there.”

“So why are Mom and Dad all excited about this one?”

“Because it happens to contain some writing which suggest it has the same name as a city described in the Book of Mormon. It also happens to be located, according to at least one school of thought on the location in the modern world where the Book of Mormon stories took place, right where the book of Mormon says it was.”

“That’s pretty heavy.”

“It’s basically Mormon apologetics.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Have you ever read the Book of Mormon?”

“I never have. I always meant to. I know I was supposed to. But I never did.”

A young, familiar-looking waitress with a single full-sleeve of tattoos came to pour us some coffee.  She smiled warmly and walked away. If she recognized us she didn’t let on.

“I told you she worked here. But I don’t see the other one.” 

“You were correct.”

“I think it’s cool that the cute young girls who were making out in the bar last night work here. I love this place. I love Carson City.”

“It’s definitely growing on me.”

“Whatever dork. You know you like it here.”

She was back to take our orders. Jaime ordered the local favorite using what sounded like secret code to me. It is tough to be an outsider. Neither of us had opened a menu. 

“And what can I get you?”

“I haven’ looked at the menu, but I will tell you what sounds good, and hopefully you we can work something out.”

“Ok”

“I would like a pile of hash browns…”

She interrupted me. “We don’t have hash browns.”

I just stopped and stared. We all did. I wasn’t sure where to go next. What kind of breakfast restaurant doesn’t have hash browns?

“Potatoes.” It was Jaime who said it. 

“Yes potatoes.” I said

“We definitely have potatoes.”

“Great. I would like a pile of potatoes, some wheat toast, and do you maybe have some avocado slices?

“Sure.”

“That would be perfect, no butter on the toast, oh and a bottle of Cholula if you have some.”

“You don’t want any eggs or meat or anything?”

“No thanks.”

“You are definitely not from around here.” Jaime reminded me. We continued where we left off.

“Anyway the Book of Mormon describes all the events which it chronicles as having happened on two different land masses which were connected by a narrow strip of land. It was clearly designed to be recognizable to the ignorant as North, Central and South America. Only Joseph Smith apparently didn’t realize that no one could possibly have travelled the distances the stories describe in the time frames they describe if those bodies of land were really continents.”

“You think Joseph Smith wrote the book of Mormon?”

“Whether he wrote it or plagiarized it makes little difference in my mind. There were several very similar stories published in the northeast in the years prior to publication of the Book of Mormon. Plus he was a known fraud. And it is a little convenient that the gold plates don’t exist anymore, and that the method he supposedly used to translate them was purely divine and can’t be duplicated.” 

“It is a crazy story when you think about it.”

“So anyway much of the current thinking among Mormon scholars about the actual locations of the events in the Book of Mormon centers on southern Mexico and northern Guatemala. And that’s where they found this city. Also the translation of the name of the city into modern languages is very similar to the name of a city described in the Book of Mormon.”

“But you don’t believe it.”

“I don’t even believe in a magic man in the sky. But, suspending that for a moment, it seems to me that if someone was going to use this or any discovery of ancient civilizations to try and prove that the Book of Mormon must be true they would be ignoring the most glaring archeological deficiencies.”

“Which are?”

“Horses and steel.”

She laughed. “Horses and steel?”

“The Book of Mormon clearly describes the use of horses and steel. It describes battles on horseback among huge populations of ancient peoples who don’t exist anymore, with steel swords and breastplates. It mimics the bible that way. The only problem is we know that horses didn’t exist in the Americas during that time. And neither did steel. There is no archaeological record anywhere of either horses or steel existing in the Americas before Europeans arrived a few hundred years ago.”

“But the Book of Mormon stories take place a lot longer ago than that.”

“This is true, but if they existed where did they go? Why aren’t there any fossils? Why aren’t there any steel artifacts found in any of the thousands of ancient sites discovered in the Americas?”
“That’s interesting. I didn’t realize that.”

“Most modern Mormons don’t, or if they do they consider it a failing of archaeology, which is absurd. The burden of proof is on them. They are the people making ridiculous claims. Joseph Smith was just like any other American White guy in the nineteenth century. He hated Indians so he vilified their ancestors in his stupid book. I might say he was a little like Twain that way. But Twain wrote about Joseph Smith in his autobiography. He didn’t have very nice things to say about him or his book.”

“You dislike the religion more than I do.”

“Word.”


Indian School 

“I want to show you one last place before you go. Do you have time?”

“Sure.”

We drove a little outside of town again, this time deeper into the valley. Cutting through a neighborhood of five-acre farms we approached a complex of old buildings in various stages of renovation and disrepair. The sign said Stewart Indian School.

“George brought me here and told me all about it. Do you know that a hundred years ago the government took Indian children away from their parents and put them in boarding schools called Indian Schools?”
“I did know. It’s a heartbreaking piece of history.”

“Yeah. It’s totally fucked up. They thought by taking kids away from their parents and teaching them to conform to White culture they could eliminate Indian culture in a single generation. This was one of the schools.”

“I had no idea this was here.”

We drove through the complex. It is quite large really. There was plenty of room to damage a lot of children there. Jaime described the various buildings to me as she understood them. They were all made from stone quarried locally. There were yellow, red, brown and green chunks of rock stacked on top of each other to create walls, the various colors spaced for uniformity. Some buildings had been restored to their former “glory”, if such a word can even be used to describe a place like this. The restored buildings were beautiful. The grounds were well maintained. The ruins were fascinating. They reminded us of a time when buildings were constructed with whatever materials could be found nearby, before cities all looked the same. But an air of misery hung over the place. It was the ghosts of thousands of families torn apart. I asked Jaime to stop so I could take a photo. I chose a group of small buildings which seemed to bridge the space between restoration and ruin. Some windows were replaced, some were boarded. Some buildings had new shingles. The space between them was occupied by brown weeds and leafless trees all barely clinging to life. The sky above was deep blue, cloudless. It was spring but there was no way to know it by looking.  

 “Just a short visit this time?”

“Yeah. I need to get back to my real life.”

“I am really glad you came out.”

“I am also. These short trips are good for me.”

“Have you heard from Harley this morning?”

“No. I don’t expect to ever hear from Harley again.”

“I gave her my number.”

“She has mine as well.”

“Did you get her number?”

“No.”

“Still I hope she texts. She would be a fun friend.”

“I meet people like that in bars all the time. We exchange numbers and promise to be friends but mostly we never talk to or see each other again.”

“I wish Mom and Dad would move here, but Mom just doesn’t like it here.”

“I think they should move wherever they want. They have definitely earned that right. They’re good old shits.”

“Yeah they really are.”

“Keep taking good care of Mike.”

“I will.” She found him and petted his head playfully. “I just love my little Mike. He is the best dog in the world. Aren’t you? Yes he is. I just love him so much.”

Driving west over the eastern ridge into the Tahoe basin produces spectacular views from almost any elevation. But I think the first view of the lake is the best. As I wind down the mountain I can see the huge casinos in the distance. They end abruptly where California begins. Past that I can see Highway 50 rise against the cliff side. That’s where I am going. Over those mountains is where I live. 



Tuesday

I'm a Little Worried I May Have Accidentally Exorcised All My Demons

When the big ones go
the little ones follow
taking my soul 
but finding it hollow
the joke's on them  
because there can be no fall
without the height
no sting without the bite
no love without a fight
no crime if I wasn't framed
I'd feel no guilt without this shame.

Friday

All My Heroes are Assholes

A friend of mine recently told me she felt like she had finally found her people.  I knew just what she meant.  She was referring to a group of friends we have in common.

"Intellectual degenerates" she called them, or I did, or maybe it was intelligent degenerates.  I don't remember specifically who or what.  I was drunk.  It's the general idea that's important.  

The truth is most intellectuals I have ever met have been degenerates.  That's what I love most about them.  Most intellectual people I have ever read about have been degenerates.  And smart people always suffer from mental illness, or what appears to be mental illness to the masses.  Everyone seems to know this, and yet, we are somehow always surprised to learn it.  

It seems like I have always known, since I was very young, that most of the good people in the world, your teachers, police officers, clergy, politicians, have all been assholes and hypocrites.  That's the reason I have always had a "problem with authority."  Because I have always known this.  I still know it now.  Kids like Holden Caufield call them phonies.  He knew.  And we love him for it.  We don't even realize it's probably us he is complaining about.  And even at the end of that novel, we rarely understand that he will grow up to become us.  

I first found my people in San Antonio, roughly a decade ago, when I was close to her age.  That's why I know exactly what she means.  And now, years later, I seem to have assembled a very similar set in Sacramento.  Or maybe they found me.  

There's little magic in the world for us.  We are cynics and skeptics.  We drink and carry on.  We disassemble social systems.  We construct incredible alternatives.  We burn those down.  We do it again.  

We turn Gods into men, which is the worst thing you can do to a God. 

We've been around forever.  

We always have the most fun.

Poor Holden couldn't even have heroes.  All my heroes are assholes.  






Wednesday

Just Used Enough to be a Keeper

Marcus told me today that his friend Mick has a theory, which is more of a generalization really, that women who are our age and single either want to be single, or should be single.  
 
Marcus and I  are thirty-something.  I imagine Mick is also, though I don’t know him.  We are divorced and therefore single, and we seem to have a little more time on our hands than we once did.  We all seem to be insanely busy in our twenties.  Somehow, in our thirties, we just aren’t. 
 
Perhaps it is divorce that does it.  This is certainly true for me.  All through my twenties I was married, building a career, taking care of babies and a seemingly perpetually pregnant woman.  I also somehow managed to complete graduate school.  That’s exactly the kind of crazy plan I wouldn’t even consider trying now.
 
When I was married I used to be jealous of single parents.  This was my secret guilt.  My sister was a single parent, and we were all supposed to feel really bad for her.  Everyone thought it was terrible the way she had to do everything on her own.  She apparently had to be both a mother and a father.  I used to think that she was the worst pair of parents I ever saw.  Also, she was able to leave her kid with my parents, or other people any time she needed to go out with friends. She had help doing lots of things.  Everyone was supposed to help her because they felt bad, because it is so difficult being a single parent. 
 
And I was at home every night with the wife and kids as I thought about this.  I never got to go out with my friends.  I had too many things I needed to do every night.  My wife and I were often both overwhelmed.  And we never found ourselves with a break of any kind.  It was supposed to be easier for us, because there were two of us. 
 
And I secretly envied every single parent I knew, because they  all got a break sometime. 
 
And now I am a single parent.  And my sister is not. 
 
While my kids are usually home with me, they do spend some time with their mother.  I get breaks.  I have time for hobbies.  
 
I don’t call it a victory. 
 
So Marcus and I were busy in our twenties, doing different things in different places.  His story is different than mine, but similar in many ways. Sparing the unnecessary details, we both gave our hearts and lives to unkind women who subsequently treated us badly. 
 
Because we are both heterosexual and because we are both single, we spend time talking about women.  We talk about women we know, and we talk about women we don’t know.  We talk about the type of women we would like to meet, and the types we hope to never meet again.  We talk about the perfect woman, and we don’t believe that she exists. 
 
And this isn’t just a stereotype.  You will be forced to believe me when I tell you that Marcus and I are not stereotypical guys. 
 
We both realize that our perspectives may be skewed.   But we wonder where all the good women have gone. 
 
We spent some time thinking that we must have just been blind when we were younger, when good women seemed to be everywhere.  Perhaps we were just too naïve to see back then all the things we see now.  I mean, we both chose badly the first time around.  This makes sense to us.  Add to this that the major difference for all of us, between out twenties and our thirties, is a creeping unwillingness to compromise.  In our twenties, we do crazy things for love.  We will move to new places, give up friends, give up family, change our interests, listen to new music, try fruity new drinks, watch foreign films, listen to country music, go vegetarian for a while, quit smoking, start smoking, call our mothers every once in a while, put up with in-laws in any way, work the night shift, get a dog, get rid of a dog, eat Ethiopian food, drive a mini-van, and any number of other insane things to try and please the people we love.  It all seems so romantic and worthwhile to gamble everything on “the one.” 
 
In our thirties we won’t do any of that shit for any reason.  And this makes us all a little less compatible.  This unwillingness to compromise alone significantly decreases the probability that we will ever again find anyone with whom we are even remotely compatible. 
 
And yet we know that it sometimes happens to people our age. 
 
There must be good women out there.  But this is what I think. At our age good women are busy staying married, taking care of their families, and not cheating.   These are the good women, who in their twenties, married good guys. 
 
Many women our age who are single are women like our ex wives, damaged, dangerous, and not interesting anymore.  At least they aren’t interesting to us anymore.  We have had our fill of interesting, quirky, and damaged women. They are too much trouble. It didn’t work out the first time.  These women seem to be well- liked by guys who are still single in their thirties.  They probably deserve each other.  They can have each other. 
 
There are other women our age who are single and have never been married and well, there is usually a good reason for this, not always, but usually. 
 
It also stands to reason , that women like us exist.  I don’t mean a pair of women who look like a gay odd-couple everywhere they go.  That would be too much like us. 
 
But there must be good women who chose unwisely the first time around. There must be women who gave their hearts to unkind men, and are now divorced as a result.  Women whose heart’s have been broken like ours.  There are women who want to be true, who want to be kind, who want to be devoted, and they have suffered for these wants.  But they have become strong  and wise for the experience. These are the women we are looking for.  We even have a term for them.  Marcus once referred to such a woman as being “just used enough to be a keeper.” 
 
These women are precious and rare.  Most people who know Marcus and I consider us to be a little rare.  I just don’t think we really meet people like us every day.  And we don’t meet people like each other every day.  We are very different from each other and each of us is pretty unique.  So women like us must be rare indeed.
 
And if they can be found has too much damage been done?  Can two people who have seen what once appeared to be love disintegrate into a thousand hateful pieces ever trust anything they feel again?
 
These days, I consider myself unavailable. I am busy raising my kids and doing some other shit.  But even I have to admit that there is an instinctual draw toward coupling.  Whether a result of nature or nurture it is there. I liked being married. That lifestyle works for me.  
 
When I was a kid I figured that people like me now should just forget about it and leave love to the young. 
 
Marcus thinks women don’t like him much. He is wrong. They don’t know him. The women who do get to know him remain fans for life.  He notices this but maybe doesn’t always consider it in context.  Looking in a mirror is easy.  Seeing something in a mirror can be extraordinarily difficult.
 
But still we both keep our eyes open, disregarding probability, hoping to catch a glimpse at that rare woman, who is just used enough to be a keeper. 

Monday

Only Stupid People are Breeding

I found myself recently involved in a conversation on Facebook surrounding a status message posted by one of my friends about the Duggars.  I mentioned there that I don’t really know much about the Duggars except that they have a lot of kids and people seem to really hate them.  This led to a broader conversation in which I wrote something that probably seemed like a joke.  It occurs to me that many serious things I say probably seem like jokes.  Conversely many jokes I tell are mistaken as serious statements or opinions.  Apparently I don’t even know if I am serious or not.  So, because I love to waste time and procrastinate, I thought I would expand on my thoughts.  No one reads this stuff anyway. 

When I was a boy, I dropped out of high school and I went to community college. I am proud of this.  See, that seems like a joke right? But I am fairly serious.  During my first two years of college, before I went to real college, I majored in behavioral science.  No I really did.  I have an Associate’s degree to prove it.  I took a bunch of classes in psychology, sociology, and anthropology.  I came away from those studies with three concrete beliefs that changed me forever.  First, I realized that there was no such thing as a pure language.  The purpose of language, oral or written, is simply to communicate, and therefore rules of grammar and usage are arbitrary and subject to constant revision. This is evidenced in everything I have ever written.  Second, I learned that there is no such thing as a pure race, because deep down inside we are all black Africans.  I am blacker than most, but that is an aside.  The third thing I knew for sure, is that when human beings are born we only know two things.  We know how to suck, and we know how to grasp.  Everything else is learned. 

I was what psychology types might call a behaviorist.  I was sure that aside from the two things mentioned above, all other skills, actions, tendencies, thoughts, feelings and characteristics that define a human being are learned after birth, and are therefore completely a product of the environment in which a new person lives and grows.  I was sure that every little thing to which a new person is exposed has the potential to shape his or her thoughts and personality.  This was a radical departure from the things I learned as a child.  The religion in which I was raised taught that people are already complete and complex intellectual entities before conception, and that children in fact play a role in choosing their own parents.  Naturally I argued the points of my new position with my parents.  They laughed at me and just told me to wait.  They do that a lot. 

But let’s get back to breeding for a moment.* There exists a cliché in our culture, which is the title of this essay.  It suggests that most of the children born into this world, are born with stupid parents.  Sadly, I believe this to be true.  I also think it is a problem.  In case you didn’t read it into my previous comment about the “out of Africa” theory, I will just tell you that I am a Darwinist.  Because of this I tend to consider humanity, and my place in it, on the largest scale imaginable.  I believe that what happens now affects the future of our species.  I am moved both spiritually and emotionally by the notion that some very brave ancestors of ours came down from the trees, mastered a tight upright pimp roll, got busy with civilization, and ultimately made it possible for me to have an iPad.  

Historically, upright, bipedal hominids have had as many children as they possibly could.  They have done so for a couple of significant reasons.  First, they really like to fuck.  Second, they know it is important for the survival of the species.  This second part is why we nurture our children, particularly for so long, as opposed to just turning them loose or leaving them somewhere.  Even before culture and religion, people cared for and raised their children.  Of course until very recently half or more of the human children ever born died during their first five years of life despite the best efforts of their parents.  I imagine this problem really contributed to the collective wisdom of the time, that having as many children as you can is a good idea. 

But these days everything is different.  There are so many people on the planet that we worry about its ability to sustain us all.  Many people are concerned about pollution and waste and the impact mankind is making on this billions-of-years-old rock of ours.  Many people, particularly smart, educated people, are choosing not to have children, or are severely limiting the number of children they do have, often waiting until later in life to have any children at all. This is regarded as a lifestyle choice.  It is widely regarded as a very responsible thing to do. 

I think it might just be a little selfish and short-sighted. 

Now I am not saying this just because I have a pile of kids and I am trying to justify my own actions.  I understand better than anyone there is no justification for most of my actions.  And the reasons why I have so many kids, if there are any, will remain undisclosed. 

As it turns out, I have learned a lot from my kids so far.  Mostly, I have learned how much I don’t know, regardless of what I thought I knew.  I learned that there is no way to predict what they might do next.  They always surprise me.  And I learned that, despite my best efforts as a parent** they will always, always do something stupid.

And now I know that kids do come pre-programmed, to a certain degree.  My  experience as a parent, as a student of culture, and as an observer of humanity has led me to new conclusions about children, and about parenting, that are the dead opposite of what I believed when I was in college, and what I believed when my oldest kids were babies.  These are somewhat random and I think best expressed in the form of a list, in no particular order. 

  • There is no “right” way to parent, and as long as you care about your child and have his or her best interests in mind, there is probably also no “wrong” way to raise children. 
  • There are just too many factors to consider to ever be sure that you are doing a good job as a parent.
  • Kids are tougher and smarter than we think.
  • Parents are dumber and weaker than we ever thought we would be. 
  • Children are born with a unique personality, including a gender identity, and sexual orientation, and outside of real, blatant abuse, there is little that any parent can do to change those things. 
  • The way that children react to their environment has as much to do with the unique characteristics of the child as it has to do with the efforts and intentions of that child’s parents.  You may take your kid to the circus because you want to encourage cheerfulness and wonder, but they only end up scared of clowns. 

I am not saying that what my parents taught me was right.  It wasn’t.  Kids don’t get to choose their parents in heaven before they are born.  I know because my kids are way too smart to have had any part in choosing their crappy parents.  But I wasn’t right either.  Everything isn’t learned.  And I will change my mind again later, as I learn more from my kids, and as my apparent failure as a parent becomes more obvious.

You need to love your kids.  You need to give them attention.  You need to teach them important things. But the degree to which they need individual attention from each parent as opposed to attention from siblings, or others, or as opposed to freedom to just wander and learn on their own, as opposed to solitude, just can’t be known.    And it will differ from child to child, and from moment to moment for each child.  I have seen parents I really considered to be “great” and caring parents produce some real assholes.  And I have seen parents who, by all standards and measurements just suck at parenting, produce caring and productive human beings.  Ultimately I guess I believe that kids with clothes and shelter, who are fed and cared for by someone, and who have opportunity to learn something useful, will probably be okay.  Or maybe they won’t.  But the specific way in which they are raised probably won’t have anything to do with it. 

I am sure there is a probability to it.  Children raised by caring and loving parents are more likely to become caring and loving people themselves.  Consequently, children raised by assholes are more likely to be assholes.  But even shitty parents probably love their shitty kids. 

And some things are genetic.  I think intelligence is one of those things.  I do believe that when intelligent people have sex with each other they are more likely to produce intelligent children than stupid children.  I am not talking about education, or opportunity, or anything learned.  I am talking about raw processing power.  I am talking about potential.  I am talking about the kind of intelligence that we are born with, and with which we may or may not do anything useful.  I am talking about the kind of intelligence that can be used for good or evil, depending on one’s tastes.  I think this kind of intelligence is critical for the survival and continued “success” of our species.  I care about these kinds of things. 

I also think that these days, that kind of raw intelligence, while it occurs everywhere, is probably most concentrated among that population of people who have decided, for the good of the planet, to severely limit the number of children they may have, to the detriment of the species.  I think they probably haven’t thought about it this way.  Or maybe they just don’t care what happens after they are dead.  I don’t know.  I am not one of these people. I am one of the assholes. 

I think this is a problem.  I think stupid people everywhere are breeding like crazy. Smart people are not breeding so much.  This will not create a favorable situation for our descendents. Intelligent people really need to just suck it up and get it on.*** But they shouldn’t literally suck it up when they get it on, if you know what I mean, because that’s not how you get pregnant, and that also might be part of the problem.  If smart people can’t outnumber the idiots, they at least have a responsibility to produce children who can be their overlords.  Someone will need to manipulate and exploit the stupid masses of the future.  That is a fact.  It can’t be argued with. If your children or grandchildren don’t do it, because they were never born, because you wanted to drive a hybrid and save the planet, who will?

I am serious. 

*This is my second-favorite sentence in the whole essay. Also, that’s what she said.
**The author may or may not, in fact, have made many, or any, efforts as a parent, and should in no way be confused with a good parent, ever. 
***THIS is my favorite sentence in this essay. 

Friday

Get Off My Lawn Already

One of the major benefits of aging is getting cranky. I know what you are thinking. There are so many benefits to aging, how can I choose just one to appreciate? Well kids I m not just picking one to appreciate. I am picking one to appreciate first. I suspect there is only one natural limit to the amount of appreciation I can assign aging, and I figure that is still sixty years off for me.

My regular readers will note that I was born a little old man. I have always been way too old for my age. This has been both a source of amazing opportunity and terrible frustration. It was great as a kid, when at holiday gatherings I typically joined the grown-ups for after meal conversations about the news and what not, shaking our heads while the children ran wild. It was frustrating as a teenager, when I was an adult but no one believed me. I was very excited to turn thirty. I am very excited to be turning forty before too long. And I simply can't wait to be a mean old man.

I am going to be the crankiest, meanest old bastard anyone ever met. My kids think I yell a lot now, and I kind of like my kids. Wait until my grandkids get a load of me! I can't imagine liking them very much. I don't even know them.

Truly I have in several ways already begun my descent into madness. Many commonly tolerated social behaviors and conventions have really come to annoy me lately, much to the chagrin of anyone who must hear me rant about them. Though apparently to the joy of anyone who reads me ranting about them. After all you are still reading this.

One very common yet little discussed social problem which is really chapping my hide lately is four-way-stop-waving. By four-way-stop-waving, I mean the tendency of some drivers (you know who you are) who when faced with the terror of a four way stop and another car waiting to cross in front of them apparently have no idea what to do, panic, make eye contact with the other driver and then wave at them indicating something to the effect of "you go first while I just sit here."

These people have become intolerable to me. And there seems to be a few distinct varieties of them.

The first kind is as described above. they are easily intimidated drivers who truly do not understand when it is their turn to go, so they wave everyone else by until they are alone and no longer need to make a decision. These are the least offensive of the wavers. One mostly feels sorry for them as we say "whatever" and drive past about our business. They are annoying, but certainly not the worst offenders.

The second kind is really just an extension of the first kind. I suspect they started out as the first kind of intimidated driver and as they became more comfortable and confident behind the wheel over time they just made a habit out of waving people on at stop signs. While the first variety may wave on several cars until they are alone, this second variety of waver will typically just wave one car by, perhaps as a means of securing their turn next, then will proceed as normal. While this second type tends to cause less confusion than the first type, they are more annoying because they should be confident enough to not do it, but they made a habit of it and now can't help themselves. They really need to help themselves.

The third kind is the most offensive. The worst stop-wavers are the ones who do it habitually because they think they are doing you a favor. Fuck these guys. These guys really piss me off. Larry David teaches us that society has rules for a reason. That even the smallest and seemingly least significant of social contracts is a critical part of the structural foundation of society. If people stopped standing in line for things everyone wants, the chaos would begin, and the world as we know it could begin to crumble into anarchy and its ultimate destruction. Without realizing it, these assholes who wave people on at stop signs because they think they are being nice are actually working to make Larry David's worst nightmare a reality. They are threatening to fuck everything up for all of us with their smug little assault on the social contract.

Fuck you! I don't need YOUR permission to drive through a fucking stop sign. I KNOW when it is my turn to go and I will go whether you give me permission or not. Assholes.

Seriously, these people need to knock that shit off.

Restrooms have also come to piss me off lately. Not restrooms themselves specifically, they are really just a symptom of a larger issue. And not all restrooms, just most public restrooms. Let me explain.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the role of gender in our society and culture. And I don't get it. I understand conventions around gender are changing all the time, which is a good thing. Women and men are no longer relegated to "traditional" roles and each of us can do most of the things the other can do just as well. Childbirth and opening jars seem to be the most common exceptions.

But I really think we still place way too much importance on gender as a people, and restrooms are the most common manifestation of the problem.

One of the things I do in my real life is work with human data. When we collect information about people, certain demographics are always a central part of the process. We have all become conditioned to this. Each of us has been asked many times to complete forms asking for certain information about us, most commonly race, ethnicity, and gender.

Theoretically this information is collected for the express purpose of ensuring equality among these various groups. And in my experience this is usually what the information is used for. People want to know that members of all races and both genders are being treated fairly and equally for whatever purpose the data is being collected. But this is not always how the data are used.

I remember being an undergraduate sociology student years ago, and realizing for the first time that race and ethnicity statistics were sometimes used for the opposite purpose of that for which they were designed. On the same day I learned that the overrepresentation of black men in prisons had more to do with the type of crimes to which they have access rather than the rate at which they actually commit crime (think drug-offenders who serve prison time vs. Wall Street types who don't) I saw something astonishing on the evening news. A man was arguing for more social regulations based on race and ethnicity because as he explained, numbers don't lie. He pointed specifically to the fact that prisons were crowded with black men as evidence that black men committed more crime than other kinds of people.

That was when I first really understood that in fact numbers do lie, if we want them to. I knew that man was wrong. And I knew that other people would believe him anyway.

But we weren't talking about black men in prison. We were talking about public restrooms.

The point of that aside is to demonstrate that our craze with collecting information on race and ethnicity is not necessarily proving to be as beneficial for society as we want it to be. In fact, it is often being used for the direct opposite purpose.

If this is true of race, it is also true of gender.

A while back, events in my family caused me to really think long and hard about the role of gender in our society and its actual relevance versus its perceived relevance. When I really think hard about the types of social situations in which it is really truly necessary to differentiate people based on gender I come up nearly blank. This startled me the first time I tried it. But outside of a few healthcare applications, I can't think of many situations where a person's gender bears any relevance at all. Seriously. Think about it.

And yet we seem to always want to know. Why?

I have come to believe that statistics on race/ethnicity and gender may not be worth collecting. This is a big statement for me because collecting and analyzing these statistics is a fairly significant part of my actual employment. And dumb essays don't really pay the bills. I really think that by collecting gender data and placing so much importance on it we may be creating a problem more than solving one. Because I can't see how gender matters in most things. If we want true gender equality why not just make it the expectation instead of the goal? We are creating a false dichotomy.

And now I am angry at the men's room. First because I am a cranky old man. Secondly because we don't need the label.

As it turns out there are, and always have been, a number of people across all walks of life who don't specifically identify with either gender as we define them. The gender dichotomy is false because it is not a dichotomy. There is a plurality of gender identification out there. And we are being dicks about it when we ask everyone to identify what kind of body parts they are concealing (we all conceal them) when they choose which room to enter to relieve themselves, particularly when modern equipment used for doing so is largely identical in both rooms.

It is completely unnecessary to have men's rooms and ladies rooms. Think about it a while. I promise it will start to annoy you. We don't segregate restrooms in our homes by gender. And even port-a-potties, arguably the most public of all restrooms, are gender-neutral. So-called "family restrooms" at airports and the like seem to work fine when either mom or dad wants to change a baby, or when Dad is out with his toddler daughter and doesn't want to subject her to the men's room, or send her into the ladies room alone. So why the fuck do we build them the other way?

I am always pleased to see gender-neutral restrooms. It is a fairly modern trend, becoming more common all the time. It really warms my heart. It just makes so much more sense than what we have been doing all these years. I think, at least here in California, most new buildings are being constructed this way and I for one would like to see more older buildings retrofitted this way.

Recently I was at an arguably progressive restaurant with gender-neutral restrooms labeled "robots" and "aliens." One pauses to think for a moment before deciding which door to enter, not that it matters. I worry about the impact the false and unnecessary dichotomy of restrooms may have had on our collective psyche. I worry about ways that it may have stunted us. Perhaps restroom labels are the entire reason we are all so hung up on gender. I wonder how we might be different now as a people if right from the beginning our restrooms had been labeled "robots" and "aliens."

I was thinking about this as I left the restaurant and some asshole waved me through a stop sign.

I am getting old fast, and bitches really need to stop telling me when and where to go.

Sex, Lies, and Algebra. We're Doing it Wrong.

Almost every adult I know tells me they are bad at math. I work with some pretty highly educated people. They all tell me they are bad at math. They never hesitate or speak in low voice when they tell me this. They are not embarrassed.

I used to hate math, that is, before I knew I love it.

I was always into words. From the time I was a small child I knew I wanted to be either a teacher or a writer. And like a true American, I earn my living doing neither of those things. In school I excelled in English, and like all kids who excel in English, I barely passed math. I wrote poetry. I even published an underground art and poetry magazine at one of my high schools before I dropped out. I took Algebra in 8th grade and 9th grade, then Geometry in 10th grade. In college I took Algebra three more times as an undergraduate, dropping it twice and barely passing the third time with a C, the lowest acceptable grade for collecting credit in the course. The point is I struggled with algebra all five times I took the course. I obviously didn't really learn much algebra any of the times I took the course.

So I was only mildly surprised, after finally passing, when I moved to "upper division" math courses in quantitative reasoning and statistics, to find that I did not struggle in these new math courses. In fact I found the upper division math courses required for an undergraduate degree in Arts and Letters to be among the easiest courses I ever completed as an undergraduate. It's not because the courses were designed to be easy. Statistics is statistics. But for some reason these courses just made sense to me, and every answer to every problem on every assignment and on every exam just seemed to so simple and logical to me. After struggling with algebra for so many years, and thinking that math was supposed to get more difficult as one progressed in the study, I should have been very surprised by the seeming ease of the upper division courses. But I was an English major by then, with an eye on a teaching credential. All I wanted to do was finish all my required math courses so I could concentrate on all the literature courses I needed to complete for my major. I was just glad the last required math courses were easier than the first ones.

As it turns out, it took a few more years for me to be really surprised.

NPR did a story not too long ago about a rapping math teacher, who was apparently reaching his inner-city students in a creative way. The story stuck in my mind because it was one of the stupidest fucking stories I had ever heard in my life and I was embarrassed to be listening to it. The story was stupid and offensive on a number of levels. I won't go into them all here. As thinking people my readers will no doubt find their own offense. Aside from the fact that there is no way a rapping math teacher is really making inner-city kids love math, and aside from the fact that if we believed he was doing such a thing, simply by rapping about math, it would by definition mean we have a very low opinion of inner-city kids, there was a bigger problem with the way the story was reported. At one point the journalist presenting the story discussed the origin of the teacher's rapper name, which he referred to as an alter ego, 2 Pi. I remember that he called himself 2 Pi because I thought that the obvious name for a rapping math teacher was MC squared, and I couldn't believe this guy missed that one, and instead went with 2 Pi.

Anyway when describing the origin of the name 2 Pi, the journalist explained that 2 Pi was taken from a mathematical formula, but that he (the journalist) "wasn't going to try to explain what it means."

I know right? That's what I was thinking. What the hell? A presumably college-educated professional journalist whose work is heard and respected all across this country can't even begin to explain the formula for finding the circumference of a circle? Is that how far we have fallen as a people? He can't explain 2(pi)r? He should have asked a sixth grader. Because here in California, sixth graders are required to know and use formulas for finding the circumference (and area) of a circle.

So why does this adult, professional journalist think it is okay that he can't explain something so simple to his audience? And why do my friends and colleagues think it is okay to be bad at math, even if they excel in other areas?

It's because of the way we have been teaching math for fifty years.

And no, rapping about math is not the solution.

After I finished my Bachelor's degree in English I started teaching. I had been a substitute teacher for a while when I got my first summer school job - teaching Algebra. It didn't matter that my only degrees at the time were in Behavioral Science and English. It didn't matter that I had taken Algebra several times myself before barely passing. This was the job available. My principal seemed concerned only that I was an adult who could be in a classroom all summer. As a substitute English teacher I had attained a reputation for being able to "handle" a class of high school kids without sending many of them to the principal's office, and that was apparently enough to qualify me for the position. I had a pregnant wife at home and no better prospects for summer work so I grabbed the opportunity. Carpe fucking diem.

The interesting part of this story is not what I did for my students. Because I did teach algebra that summer, even if my student's didn't learn any algebra. I promise I never did anything for them. The interesting part of this story is what happened to me, in my head, which changed my perspective on math forever.

I taught myself algebra. I stayed more or less a chapter ahead of my students all summer. Each day of class I taught them what I had just learned the night before. But I found, unlike the many frustrating years I spent with Algebra early in life, that it wasn't really that hard to understand. I just needed a reason to understand it. And while in my case the reason to finally learn Algebra was to collect a badly needed paycheck while (hopefully) not actually damaging children, the specific reason, as it turns out, is not important. Any reason would have done. I finally understood algebra as a concept, and I knew what it was good for. When I was finally forced by my own reasons to just figure it out, I was able to do what I now wish I had been able to do as a child. I was able to learn and understand the concepts of algebra, not just the process.

All of us who were raised in American public schools clearly recall spending hours in rows of desks while a felt-pen wielding numbers-chef hovered tirelessly above an overhead projector. At least half of us remember also being bored, confused, disinterested, or stoned (the stoned kids don't actually remember). Very few kids in those classes were clearly engaged and understanding what the teachers were teaching. I know this because most of us, as adults, still don't understand the processes we were taught for adding and subtracting polynomials, or for solving systems of linear equations. Even now as intelligent and professional members of modern society we don't exactly recall why we would even ever do any of those things. And we aren't worried about it much. Because it is okay to not be good at math. Everyone says so.

I mean not me. After my major breakthrough in algebra I understood why those "upper division" math classes had strangely seemed so easy to me. It was because in those classes I was taught concepts, and the processes worked themselves out. I know now that I am a conceptual learner. I am a big picture guy. I want a reason to do something. I want madness to go with method. I quickly enrolled in graduate school and went on to study some fairly high-end statistics and psychometrics. That's the kind of badass I am.

In America we teach math as a process. Starting in elementary school, this seems to be the only way we teach it. Even today, math teachers, whether first-grade teachers teaching math alongside other subjects, or high school teachers who teach only math all day long, start with a chapter in the district-adopted textbook, and move sequentially through the chapters throughout the school year. This is the process for teaching a process. It is very linear. It starts with simple problems and builds to more complex problems. Kids practice the procedures they learn every night by repeating them over and over again until they hate math for the monotony, if for no other reason. As it turns out, not all kids are procedural learners.

Don't get me wrong, some kids are procedural learners. This works for some kids. It is usually the cooperative kids who like to please adults. The kids who do what they are told without asking too many questions. And that's fine. Those kids grow up to be math teachers. And they teach math to new kids using the same process. It's like Amway with a track team.

But most of us get lost in those classes. Maybe we were sick the day we learned to find the greatest common factor. And after that little else makes sense. So we are lost, and we stay lost, because the teacher has moved on to another chapter. And our grades sink lower and lower, and we learn to hate math, and we think we are not good at it. Because when we teach math as a process, and we miss an important part of that process, it is hard to make sense of what comes next in the process. And so it goes.

So now after fifty years or more of teaching math this way we have a serious problem. We have a serious problem in our culture when we all think it is okay to be bad at math. In this modern world, it is clearly not okay to be bad at math.

This would never happen with reading. It is decidedly not okay to not be able to read in our culture. Professional adults do not proudly proclaim that they are bad at reading without lowering their voice. The same is true with students, and kids get the message early.

First we lie to them. From the earliest ages we teach mathematical lies to children. We teach them plus and minus instead of positive and negative numbers. We tell them zero is the lowest number. Anyone with a checking account knows that is not true. We teach them that "diamonds" and "balls" are shapes, because we think they are too stupid to understand words like quadrilateral and sphere. And we persist in these lies for years, all while they are learning to like school and trust teachers. And then they get to about fourth grade and everything starts to change. We tell them that zero is not the lowest number, that a diamond is not a shape, that multiplication is not denoted with an x but instead we use parentheses, and the second-grade teachers they loved as much as their mothers LIED to them. It is a cruel world. And to make matters worse, this is the age where most kids discover that their parents can no longer help them with their math homework. For many years both state and national test results have shown that this is when kids start being bad at math. It's no wonder.

When my oldest son was in second grade he was having some trouble reading. His teachers quickly held a series of parent conferences and got a district reading specialist involved. He was pulled out of his regular class a couple hours a day just to work with a specialist on his reading. The effort was complete and everyone participated. Even at home, his mother and stepfather removed all toys and games from his bedroom, leaving only books for him to discover. It worked like a charm. In a matter of months he was reading at grade level, and soon beyond.

Stories like this happen all the time in public schools. Because everyone knows that reading is important. Everyone knows that to compete for comfort and prosperity in a global economy one must be able to read and retain information. Unfortunately this never happens when kids fall behind in math. Not the same way. We all seem to recognize that math is important. We even seem to recognize that we have, as a nation, been falling behind other industrialized nations in math knowledge for more that 20 years now. We recognize that the future of technology and information processing completely dependent on math knowledge. We import many thousands of engineers and other mathematicians from countries whose students are far outperforming our own children in math. And still, it is okay to be bad at math.

I don't have the answers, as usual. But it does seem to me that it might be reasonable to try teaching math a different way, and see if more kids catch on. We should teach math as a concept, not just a process for illusory ends. It worked for me. But no matter what, we must stop just accepting that math is too hard for most of us. We need to stop teaching in the manner we do, where by high school neither students nor adults really care whether anyone is good at math. We need to stop just accepting that most kids will not be good at math. Because by not changing our actions and attitudes, that is exactly what we are doing now.

Stop saying it's okay to be bad at math. Stop being proud of that.

Or don't. As it turns out I don't actually care that much.



Power to the People? Are You Sure?



I have a standard line I like to use when I am approached by people outside grocery stores.  It is genius.  My kids and their friends are highly amused by it.  I will share it with you now.  Whenever someone comes at me with a pen and asks for my signature on some petition, I always respond very simply and very clearly “I am a convicted felon.”

This is a lie.  As it turns out, I am not yet a convicted felon. 

But this is a good lie, and a funny one.  As I have explained to my surprised children and their friends more than once, a convicted felon cannot legally vote.  Therefore the signature of a felon on any petition targeted at a ballot initiative would certainly be invalidated.  Signature collectors, who in California are universally collecting signatures for some ballot initiative, hate when their carefully collected signatures are invalidated.  They never bother a convicted felon more than once.   

It is also a good segue into that awkward conversation all parents must eventually have with their children regarding their own troubled pasts.  For me this is an opportunity to share with my children the story of how I came to realize how bad an idea direct government really is.  Because there is nothing kids love more than to hear an old man ramble on and on about blah, blah, blah blah, blah. 

That’s what my kids are thinking right now if they are reading this. 

I remember being a 17 year old college freshman sitting in my very first political science course when the instructor asked me if I thought the California Initiative was a good idea.  I was stumped.  I had never considered it an option.  Growing up in California it had just always been there.  Every election I had ever been aware of had been surrounded by messages urging “yes” or “no” on some obscure proposition and its assigned number.  Much like fast food in my family, I had never really considered if it was a good idea or not, it had just always been there. 

My stunned silence earned me a topic assignment for my next paper.  And when that paper was due I submitted an extremely well researched argument that the California Initiative was in fact the greatest and most important example of government of the people, by the people, and for the people ever known to man.  It was in my mind a cornerstone of what I considered to be politically important, namely power to the people. 

Kids are dumb. 

As a grumpy old man I now clearly understand the California Initiative to be a really bad idea.  Don’t get me wrong, the Initiative is and has been a really great experiment in direct government. Therefore, it is a truly terrible idea.  I know it seems like a good idea.  But it isn’t.

As a pretty good experiment with a long history, even a cursory review of available data shows pretty clearly the real problem with the California Initiative (and similar ballot proposition processes in the 24 other states currently following a similar course to cultural devolution) .  I am sure countless graduate students have completed countless thorough and legitimate studies of the positive and negative effects of the Initiative process, but I prefer to cut straight to the useful information to illustrate what I mean. 

A quick scan of Wikipedia shows a list of the following “notable” (read: most talked-about) California Ballot Propositions:
Proposition 6 (1978) (defeated) on barring homosexuality in the public school system
Proposition 13 (1978) (passed) on property tax; imposing 2/3 requirement for budget vote, tax increases
Proposition 187 (1994) (passed, then declared unconstitutional) on denying illegal immigrants eligibility to receive public services (immediate stay was federally imposed and is still in effect)
Proposition 209 (1996) (passed) on banning affirmative action in public sector (employment, education, etc.)
Proposition 215 (1996) (passed) on legalizing medical marijuana
Proposition 22 (2000) (passed, then declared unconstitutional) on a statute banning same-sex marriage
Proposition 8 (2008) (pending appeal in the courts) on a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage in order to override the In re Marriage (Proposition 22) decision earlier that year that legalized same-sex marriage
Proposition 19 (2010) (defeated) on the legalization of marijuana

Direct governance seems to bring out the worst in us.  As it turns out, any asshole with a couple hundred bucks and a pile of signatures can get a law on the ballot.  I mean an actual law, which needs to be enforced.  And regular people vote on this law.  No elected officials are involved.  There is no debate amongst any legislative body. 

In fact the process is so simple and straight forward even the stoners have managed to successfully organize efforts to get a couple initiatives on the ballot.  They apparently forgot to remember to vote for the last one but that is not the point.  Stoners can get laws on the general election ballot.  I hope that statement is as terrifying to my readers as I intend it to be.  They even managed to pull it off in Washington and Colorado.  If even stoners can be successful in this process imagine what someone like Hitler might be able to do with it?

And that brings me to my point about the California Initiative being a bad idea.  As you can see from the list above, more often than not, the asshole with the signatures just wants to use the Initiative process to be a dick to someone else. 

I am convinced that this is the reason our founding fathers designed the US government without a direct government initiative process.  I used to think it was just because they lacked the technology for direct government, or because they were lazy.  But this is not true.  I now think they understood that we don’t really want to give just any asshole the power to make laws.  Those were wise men indeed. 

It seems to me there is an additional amount of consideration that goes into the more traditional process of passing laws via elected officials.  Debate is good. Even competing special interests can sometimes inflict more reason and understanding on the process of creating laws than can the ability of any average Joe, and I do mean average, to simply vote yes or no.

And it is usually so easy to get people to agree with your misguided opinion this way.  Think about how it starts. If the average registered voter puts any  careful consideration at all into the votes they cast on ballot propositions, that consideration is entirely absent at the time they sign that petition outside the grocery store.  That petition is important, and we really should all think carefully before we sign them, but we never do.  In fact I contend that each of us more or less universally does the same thing.  If you are the type of person who gets annoyed at strangers asking you about something important when you are only thinking about what kind of bread to buy, you probably never sign any of those petitions, even if it is for a cause in which you believe.  Similarly, If you are the type of person who hates to be approached and who is uncomfortable saying no to a stranger, you probably always sign, because what the hell.  It is easy for you and it makes them happy.    
 
Even my own canned and lazy response to petitioners outside the grocery store is applied universally, for better or worse.  It got me some funny looks recently when I was asked by some particularly short activists if I wanted to buy some Girl Scout cookies.  Apparently “I am a convicted felon” was not the response they were looking for.

The Benefit of Being a Fat Asshole


Women are kind. I know this is not universally true. Nothing is universally true. There are no absolutes in this universe.  Still, when I think of women, kind is the first word that comes to mind.

The reasons why I believe, in spite of my own unfriendly history with several women, that women in general tend to be kind, are not important.  It may be a result of my relationship with my own mother, who in spite of the fact that I am and always have been particularly difficult to deal with, and not always very nice, has demonstrated only the finest example of maternal love and caring throughout my life.  It may be because most of my closest friends have always been women.  It may be because I have spent my career in a field dominated by women and have known many amazingly intelligent and talented women over the years.  But who really cares?  Why doesn't matter.

Women are kind, particularly in contrast with men.  Men are not kind.  And as a result I am not kind.  I am mean to my kids (just ask them).  I was a terrible husband.  I am selfish, lazy, and unapologetically unsympathetic. I ignore people's birthdays and hope they ignore mine.  I like neither kittens nor puppies.  I am a holiday grinch. And generally I can't wait to get old and yell at kids to get off my lawn.  Even women who know me well know I am not kind. I have been accused, recently, more than once, by close female friends, of being a misogynist, and it is probably true.  Again, why doesn't matter.  That's just how I roll.

I am also fat and bald.

The first time I got divorced I was 30 years old.  I had spent my teen years being a heavy-metal teen dad.  I spent my twenties as a 1950s husband and father, working for the man and bringing home the bacon to my perpetually pregnant stay-at-home wife and mother of my small children.  When I was suddenly single at 30 (and it was sudden for me, even if it wasn't for her, because I am selfish and insensitive and I never saw it coming), I had no idea what the real world was actually like.

One night, out at a bar with a friend, a couple of her friends, and some younger guys who were working hard to impress the ladies I was with, I had one beer too many, and spoke up in what I assumed was a fairly obnoxious manner.  These kids (the younger guys), in an effort to sound intelligent to some older ladies, attempted to wax philosophical about the beat generation. The only problem was they had no real understanding of how the movement fit into our culture chronologically or influentially, and they misunderstood, and subsequently misrepresented the major contributions of one of the movement's key players on our cultural psyche.  Basically, they had just read On The Road and considered themselves big fans of Jack Kerouac.

But really they were dumb kids who clearly had not even read the Cliff's notes.  Maybe they thought that merely mentioning a key novel and writer would help charm the women. They clearly knew something about women which at the time I had not understood.

I was drunk, and sad about my divorce, and I didn't give a fuck. Also I had an actual  literary degree from a college and had recently read and studied much of the body of work left by Kerouac, Cassidy, Burroughs, and Ginsberg, including their overlap and extensions into the work of Kesey and Wolfe.  Shit I had a recording of Howl on my iPod in my pocket. So I corrected them.  I stood, somewhat stumbling, ranted for about ten minutes about the actual societal contribution of the beats and specifically of Kerouac and On The Road, payed the collective tab, and split. I left to smoke and brood alone in the parking lot, generally feeling sorry for myself.

That was when shit got weird and my limited and naive understanding of women changed forever.

First the kids came out and found me.  There were three of them.  Each them shook my hand and proclaimed me their personal hero.  I guess they struck out but enjoyed the time regardless.  Thinking back now I think those kids were okay, and I probably didn't need to be so hard on them.

Next the ladies emerged and since they were my ride they directed me to the car we had arrived in, because I could not have found it on my own.  As we all shuffled in to the late model VW sedan I found myself in the backseat with a young teacher, a friend of my friend whom I had just met.  She was thin and pretty and I had not thought about her at all, considering her out of my league from the time of our introduction.

So imagine my surprise when by the end of a twenty minute ride back to my friend's house I found this young woman on my lap.  We were making out like teenagers.  I had no idea what had happened or how, or why, but I didn't really feel like asking any questions.  I just went with it and spent the next twelve or so hours with her.

Later I understood what had happened. Having had no interpersonal experience with single women since I was a teenager, I had assumed that at 30 women were more or less the same as they had been as girls, shallow.  I was wrong and it opened up a whole new world for me.  In fact the young lady I described was not even 30 yet.  She was several years younger than me.  She was different from most women I thought I knew, but I know now not terribly different from all good women.

It turns out she was attracted to intelligent men.  This is not news to anyone, except for me at the time.  In this particular case, it just happens that she is really into american literature, and Kerouac was her favorite writer. She knew those kids hitting on her had been idiots, though she didn't speak up like I did. She wasn't drunk like me.  The point was my little rant at the bar had not just earned me the respect of the guys at whom it was directed, but she admitted later that she was immediately more attracted to me than she could ignore.  The fact that I was fat, bald, drunk, and sad made little difference.  She was the first woman I knew explicitly to overlook all physical characteristics because there were other personal qualities in which she was more interested.

And she really liked me a lot for a little while.

Once I understood that unlike my tragic time as a teenager, which was the last time I had been single, grown women really appreciated intelligence and charm, I used it to my advantage, particularly following my second divorce.  I started writing a blog regularly and met a lot of new friends.  I took plenty of time to practice my barroom rhetoric.  And it all worked in my favor.  Using the same basic model, I have managed to have a pretty good time now for a lot of years.

Years later, a friend noted that being divorced in my thirties hadn't really damaged my social life said to me "being fat doesn't seem to slow you down that way."  I took this as a great compliment, because he was right, being fat and bald doesn't matter at all in my relationships with women.

This would never happen in reverse.  That is the sad truth.  While personally I like women with a little meat on them (I sometimes think it is because I am a vegetarian now), I still have fairly shallow standards for physical appearance. I suppose all men do, and even if our individual preferences are a little different from each other, it is a universal truth that when we describe what interests us most in women we always begin with physical traits.  Because men are shallow. I am shallow. I often describe the kind of woman I am interested in as having a pretty face, comically high intelligence, and a really sick sense of humor. That's all I am concerned with.  And while those last two traits may somewhat unique to my own preferences (and may also actually be a single trait), I still start my list with a pretty face.  I am not as good as the women who have liked me. I would have a hard time really appreciating a fat, bald woman no matter how smart or funny she is.

I understand that some women are shallow.  I know this.  In fact I might even assume that half of all women are shallow.  It may be that fully 50% of all adult vagina holders in this country would not give me the time of day, simply because of my appearance.  But that doesn't matter, because the other 50% will at least listen to (or read) my bullshit rhetoric.  And the good news is these two halves of the feminine population are not divided by any sort of type, some women of all varieties will prefer humor and intelligence over other characteristics.

This is the reason why when another friend asked me recently if I would consider online dating I immediately answered with a definitive negative.  Because I know in my heart of hearts that the type of women who are attracted to a fact-and-photo-based browsing service are the shallow ones.  Even if they are not shallow they are far too practical.  I look terrible on paper.  Combine a photo of me with just one basic fact, I have six children, and no woman on any dating site will ever look further than that.  I always say I don't "date" as a matter of principle, which is true, because I think it is dumb to pretend at my age.  But the truth is, fat, bald guys with six kids don't date, regardless.

If I am going to meet women, I need a chance to charm a bitch.  And sometimes I do.

This is how I know women are generally kind.  They are the better of the genders.  Women place value on all the important characteristics in a way that makes life easier for a guy like me.  Women are good, and so I don't need to be.

This Is Not About Robots

“Stop bitching about robots already.”

This is my twelve-year-old son London talking to me.

“I am just saying we should have way more robots by now. It’s 2013 already.”

That was me. And it’s true.

Those of us who were children during the cold war, an era which featured a nearly unprecedented growth in technological innovation, came to have a lot of expectations for our personal futures. We are all currently disappointed one way or another.

We have all seen the memes recently asking where our flying cars are, or jet-packs, or Marty McFly’s hoverboard (not to mention his self-tying sneakers). And we really were supposed to have all those things by now. As late as 1985 we were all positive that we would have them all by “the year 2000” let alone by 2013. But we don’t have any of them. And these are all now great examples of our collective disappointment.

But these are not my personal disappointments. Even when I was ten years old I knew those things sounded too good (read: far too dangerous) to be true. I understood enough about the regulatory nature of the American people to know not to expect the freedom to zoom about the skies at will like some kind of over-sized Alabama firefly orgy. I was a strange kid. But I did believe the future would be saturated by two things: Velcro shoes and Robots. Seriously, why would anyone ever tie shoelaces when Velcro exists in the world?

I live in a fairly large house with five transients. Sure, technically these proto-hobos are my children, but they are not like me. I sleep in the same bed in the same room every night. I like to think I don’t always sleep there alone, if you know what I mean, but really I pretty much do. My children do not. They are children of divorce. They each have a bed in a bedroom in our home, and they more or less keep all their stuff there, bathe there, make messes there, “forget” to brush their teeth there. But they don’t always sleep there.

Every night some of these children will sleep in the spaces I provide for them, but almost every night some of them sleep somewhere else as well, presumably with their mother. And while there is a nearly recognizable pattern to where each child may be and when, it is not a pattern one would want to use to make any kind of reliable predictions. It is a sort of controlled chaos. The uncertainty principle in quantum mechanics tells us that it may be impossible to observe the specific location of a particle while also knowing how fast it is traveling. I find this to be true of my children. If I know where one is, I can’t know when or how fast he might be going, and vice-versa. This is either because the field of quantum mechanics deals in the basic building blocks of the universe and so its probabilistic rules naturally extend to describe even complex organisms operating within the universe, or because I have too many kids. To a certain extent, divorce has made my children free as birds. They have options I never had.

I knew from a pretty young age I would not share my parents’ particularly behavioralistic religion in my adult years. It never made any sense to me. It still doesn’t. I used to spend hours daydreaming and imagining what my future might be like, because I knew it would be different from the way my parents lived. I made plans. I set goals and worked toward them. I was a chess player as a kid, and I heard someone say once that in a chess game, if you can think just twelve moves ahead, and imagine all possible outcomes, the best moves would become obvious and you could never lose. I know this now to be both incorrect and more or less impossible. But I believed it at the time, and from an early age I have always tried to think twelve moves ahead in life, and have always tried to imagine all possible outcomes. I was sure I knew, at the very least, all possible options for my future, so that one of the outcomes I imagined would be correct, and hopefully one of the good ones.

But the thing is, kids are dumb. I never imagined anything like the reality I am living now.

I still tie my own shoes, with laces, exactly the way I learned to do it when I was four years old, way back in the 1900s. Today I am wearing a pair of boots with one of those laces where the aglet has come off one end, and so to properly tie it I have to twist the end of the shoelace into some half-assed point and sneak it through the eyelet. It is 2013, and Velcro still exists in the world.

 I also spend a lot of time cleaning my house, doing dishes and laundry daily, and constantly sweeping floors, because five transients make quite a mess. These things piss me off on a daily basis, not because I hate the work, and not because I resent my kids, but because it is 2013 and I should have fucking robots to do chores for me. I was positive that by the time I was 40 I would not need to cook or clean or do any of the time-robbing daily maintenance which currently consumes my evenings. Just like the innovative sewing machine and the subsequent ability to purchase mass-produced clothing on the cheap freed up several hours daily my great-great-grandmothers once used to make clothes for their families (allowing them more time to pursue racism), robots were supposed to free me from the mind-numbing drudgery of my household chores, allowing me more time for drinking and watching reality TV (which is definitely better than racism?).

What did we get instead of robots? The fucking internet. And we never even saw it coming. I am not complaining about the internet, it is really great and all, and it is the only reason you are even reading this crap right now anyway. But the internet can’t take the clothes from the washer and put them in the dryer (and why the hell do we still have two separate machines for that?). In just twenty years internet technology has improved and changed our lives in ways we couldn’t have imagined just ten years ago. And yet the best robot I can buy will only vacuum my floor. No doubt if robots were useful for masturbation we would be awash in them. Pornography drives all relevant innovation. Think about it.

But even back in the day I knew, even without the robots I would at least have a wife. And yet here I am, thirty years in the future, a single, male, domestic slave.

 London doesn’t know that it’s not really robots I am bitching about.

Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, if it isn’t truly descriptive of the nature of all life created by assemblies of the particles whose irrational behavior it describes, is at least a pretty good metaphor for life. In my life it is doubly effective. It seems I can know neither where I am nor how fast I am traveling. The only thing I know about the future is that it will not be, in any way, how I imagine it will be. The only thing I can be certain of is that my predictions are wrong. And strangely that works for me now. I am just sweeping the floor, waiting to see what happens next.