Don't Worry, I Have a Plan

I read an article from the Huffington Post this morning about why women should not get involved with attractive men. It was all in reference to the Weiner scandal, and cited a bunch of previously published information about how attractive men are statistically more likely to be unfaithful and how the happiest couples tend to be those where the woman is more attractive than the man. It all sounded terribly reasonable to me, so I shared it on Facebook.

A friend later mentioned to me that though she didn’t disagree with the analysis she thought the whole situation was particularly unfair to women. She reasoned that because beautiful women can, and often do, find themselves attracted to all manner of men, the hot ones and the ugly ones, less attractive women were more likely to suffer because even ugly men believe they can score a hot chick, and will hold out for that rather than settle for the company of a great personality.
I also found her assessment to be reasonable and true. I do think it is fundamentally unfair that ugly women suffer. I am not going to change my own behavior or anything. Guys like me tend to reap the most benefit from the egalitarian nature of beautiful and intelligent women. But I did spend some time thinking about it sympathetically, and I have developed a plan that we as a society can implement to help make everyone happy, hotties and uggos alike.

The first thing we need to recognize is the most obvious conclusion drawn from the research cited on the subject. Attractive men are the worst people in the world. They are all terrible, and they should suffer for their good looks. It is critical that we, as a nation, accept this natural and obvious fact. It is the only way for us all to win.

The next step is a critical one which will involve significant cultural engineering. We need to make sure that all beautiful women only involve themselves with ugly men. Some beautiful women already love ugly men, so we are part of the way there. Women like Shannon Tweed, Julia Roberts, Christie Brinkley, and Mia Farrow, for their selfless willingness to bang ugly dudes, need to be celebrated as shining examples of feminine beauty and grace. This, in combination with the systematic demonization of all attractive men should create significant enough social pressure that all beautiful women will pair up with ugly guys. A nice additional step might be a media propaganda campaign promoting fat, bald guys as the world’s greatest lovers, and the men most prized by beautiful women worldwide. I for one, as a patriotic American, could really get behind something like that. We must do what it best for the greater good, and what is best for the country.

The final step really takes care of itself. Once attractive men are successfully demonized, and hot chicks and ugly guys have entered into an exclusive agreement, hot guys will go all in for ugly chicks. And it is about time our ugly chicks got what they deserve. They have long suffered under the oppressive regime of attractiveness. Now they get their pick of all the hottest dudes. And we all live happily ever after.

Everyone wins.

You’re welcome.